The terror level was raised to beige today after MI5 said that they certainly had vague yet specific intelligence about a probable certain threat that might or might not occur or not occur under certain circumstances on British soil or abroad perhaps unless another thing that might be a threat if it were to happen which it might or might not but it definitely might.

The terror plot probably involved criminal gangs from Eastern Europe who rumours have emerged have been involved in being involved in the death of Princess Diana (God rest her precious soul) since 1978.

Jacob Rees-Mogg speaking from a hotel in Barbados said, "I blame all of this on stealth taxes and permissive education in the 1960s.".